


Untold, Unheard

by Faefauna



Series: Unsaid [2]
Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Blood, Cutting, M/M, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sleeping around, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, non exclusive fuck buddies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:54:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27132109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faefauna/pseuds/Faefauna
Summary: Yuto felt like he shouldn’t tell anyone unasked.
Relationships: Lee Seungjun | J-Us/Mizuguchi Yuto | U
Series: Unsaid [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980376
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Untold, Unheard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RHODONlTE](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RHODONlTE/gifts).



> Please read the tags to make sure you are alright with this.
> 
> (This is a parallel to Unasked, Unanswered. I recommend you to read that first but it doesn't matter much.)

It was a new city, a new place. Being told to redefine his life and get out there, he moved to Korea. It was a rash decision. His job had offered him to be relocated and he took it without thinking. Going somewhere where people didn’t know about him, his thoughts, his attempts. Hoping maybe there, he could be happier, he could clear his mind, he could resist. But the loneliness hit quickly, the same loneliness he started to feel back home. Work was the same, the people were the same, only the language had changed. At night he went to a bar; hoping he could maybe make a connection. An older man came up to him and he thought he could make a friend but it quickly became clear the man had a different plan. Yuto accepted it, he just wanted something, if this was it, if this is how he could make people care about him, he would undergo it. The man was ruthless, Yuto had never done this before and was quickly met with an immense amount of pain. He had no idea what was going on anymore, nothing registered. Drunk on alcohol the man pushed into him impatiently, ravaging him until the constant aching numbed Yuto's mind. Silence. Beautiful silence crashed over him like an ocean wave and he was floating on top, drifting away. The man was selfish, using him until his own high and leaving right after. Yuto didn’t want to move, didn't want to wake his mind up. He used this peace to finally get a good night's sleep and it was wonderful. 

The morning was odd, a bed he didn’t know, pain in a place he didn’t expect and a feeling of emptiness he hadn’t felt before. A mix of shame and self hatred boiled up inside him. He felt dirty. Quickly leaving the hotel, not feeling like breakfast, he went home. The warm water rushed over him as he tried to scrub the touch of a stranger. He hated it, he hated accepting it, he hated doing it, he hated wanting more. A sting ran through his arm and the water pooling on the tiles turned red. He hated it, he hated the lack of control, he hated the way of coping, he hated wanting more. He stared at the sharp object in his hand. He wanted to just go further. But something stopped him, maybe tomorrow he could make a proper connection, the start of a new week. 

He finished his workday, finished the same tasks and went to the same bar. A new man came to him, he was broad, handsome and very flirtatious. He spent time with Yuto, wrapping him around his finger, yet Yuto enjoyed the attention. Getting compliments on his use of a foreign language, being told he was pretty, being treated with a soft touch. The soft touch that instantly left as the bedroom door closed. He was thrown on the bed and tied to one of the ends. The pain of last time had almost healed, yet the progress was completely undone by the aggression of the current situation. He cried out, feeling his muscles rip as he was forced into impossible positions. But it made the man just laugh, it riled him up. He went for more. Diggin his nails into Yuto’s skin, beating him until he bruised, choking the oxygen out of his lungs, all while forcing himself inside and pumping Yuto's dick.

“You’re a slut.”

Was the last he heard, his ears started ringing. The world went black, his vision leaving together with his rushing thoughts. Floating back on top of the calm waves. His throat got released, deep breaths awakening him again. 

“Hit me up sometimes,” the man said playfully and put a card on the table before he left. The rope was gone and Yuto laid his hands on his face. Why? What was he accomplishing? Was this really what he was doing? He really was dirty. He couldn’t even bring himself to cry. Moving hurt so he laid still, staring at the ceiling. He just wanted someone to care, because he didn’t care himself. He returned to the bar every so often, yet everyone he met treated him similar. Using him for their pleasure, no one was interested, no one wanted to know, no one asked. Still it made Yuto feel like he was wanted, even just for a short desperate moment, he was wanted. And at the end, his mind would be empty. It took more and more for his mind to clear, but the strangers enjoyed it. The ocean would ebb away everytime he was left alone. On nights no one wanted him he took care of himself, finding new patches of skin to dig into, to open up. It hurt, it hurt in the moment and the days after, but he did it over and over again. Not knowing how to deal with his emptiness. Crimson paint coloured a different limb on those days but never deep enough. He set knives to his neck and wrist multiple times. But something hoped, something in him hoped he could find someone. You never know what could happen tomorrow, aren’t you curious?

Another workweek came to a close. He sat in the same bar finding a spot in the corner, people started to recognize him and not for a good reason. Another new man came up to him. He was only a few years older, pretty, slim and had soft brown hair. He greeted with a drink. “How are you?” he asked in a seductive voice. “Fine,” Yuto answered shortly. “Here, drink up, my treat.” Without hesitation Yuto set the glass to his lips. The stranger rested an elbow on the table. “What’s your name?”

“Yuto.”

“Not a man of many words I see,” the other chuckled, “I’m Seungjun.” Yuto nodded as a response. He knew he was bad at conversations, he felt no one wanted to hear him anyway. “Shall I just be bold and ask for your number?" the stranger asked, "I want to get to know you.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, you seem interesting.”  
Yuto noticed the other was definitely drunk and would probably forget this in the morning. Despite that, he was flattered that this man asked for his contact before using him and he hoped that it meant the man was interested in him beyond his body. So they exchanged numbers. Seungjun looked at him expectedly, a look Yuto knew too well by now. He grabbed the other's hand as a confirmation. He had to do this, otherwise the other would leave him, he thought. Seungjun got the hint and guided him out of the bar. Instead of finding the nearest cheap hotel however, Yuto was taken to a small apartment complex nearby. Somehow this all felt nice, it felt friendly and gentle. Seungjun kissed him softly at the entrance before opening his door and walking to his bedroom. It made Yuto nervous. The other was caring, taking off Yuto’s clothes, caressing his back and trailing kisses down his neck. Yuto felt uncomfortable under the sweet touch. If only this man knew what he had done with others, he would probably get his mouth off him quickly, it made Yuto feel guilty.

“Don’t be so gentle,” he muttered into the others ear. The other obliged, pushing him onto the bed and curling his fingers inside. Still he had a loving hand and Yuto hated it, he didn’t deserve that. “More…” he moaned, “please.”  
Seungjun lifted the other's legs and connected their hips. Snapping into him. The gentleness made Yuto sensitive, and conscious. He wanted to forget, wanted to forget his battle. He finally found someone that might be interested enough, now he felt regret, he regretted all his times before with strangers. If only he wasn’t so used, he could maybe accept the presence of someone so beautiful. “...More.” Was all he knew to say; grabbing the other's hand and placing it on his windpipe. Seungjun leaned into it and picked up the pace. Making yuto finally lose sense of the room he was in. It got more and more aggressive, sounds of skin slapping together and choking moans echoed through the room. Seungjun wrapped his hand around the other's dick, timing his moves. While digging his nails into the other's back, Yuto melted under the pleasure while the ocean engulfed him. 

Seungjun was friendly, even after getting what he wanted. Letting Yuto borrow his shower and a side of his bed. Heat wrapped itself around Yuto. Seungjun's soft breaths against the back of his head and an arm around him made Yuto feel loved. It made him feel worse. He waited until the other's breath steadied and his muscles relaxed. After grabbing the keys out of Seungjun's black skinny jeans, he dressed himself and went out, throwing the keys in the mailbox before he left. The night was cold yet he could still feel Seungjun's warmth, could still feel the soft lips against his cheek. Thinking about Seungjun he felt butterflies, then Yuto thought about himself and shot them all dead. He didn’t sleep.

The night after, he got a text from Seungjun, asking how he was. Yuto knew he shouldn’t, but he accepted it again, answering the text with a question. And they met up. They grew accustomed to each other quickly. Still he hated every time he gave into the small part of him that wanted to be with Seungjun. Knowing he didn’t deserve him, especially as he slept with other men in between, hoping it would scare Seungjun off, hoping that the marks left by others would tell how dirty he was. Because Yuto didn’t want to tell him. Yet it didn’t, just like that night, Seungjun invited him into his house. Opened him up like usual, made him feel warmth, love, pleasure, self hatred, guilt, and eventually nothing as his mind went fuzzy. Yuto had insisted on Seungjun showering first since it was his house. He just waited on the bed, small hickeys were placed on his shoulder, right above one of his recent scabs. Such a loving mark right above such an ugly decoration. He wanted to get rid of it, picking at the outer part until he saw a small red stream coming from it. He quickly stopped noticing someone staring at him, biting his lip. Yuto didn’t make eye contact and moved to the shower. He felt like Seungjun might ask him about it someday, maybe Seungjun would care. He felt like he would tell Seungjun anything, but never unasked. Again, he left the other after he fell asleep, throwing the keys back in the mailbox. He couldn’t handle waking up next to Seungjun, he was scared of that happiness. 

Nearly a month passed. Yuto still kept up the same pattern. Wanting to feel needed, he went to the same bar, being in the merciless embrace of strangers. Every so often he would hit up Seungjun, regretting it immediately, yet he was unable to stop himself. Being treated gently by no one, not even himself, his body craved love, craved to be cared for. Seungjun never spoke more than needed, it was relaxing yet lonely. Yuto wanted to cry out, wanted to yell at anyone to just ask, to just help. All he could do was hope, hope that someone would force the imprisoned words from his mouth. The etchings during lonely nights became more frequent, even when he had met someone in the evening, he would open his skin when the moon was high above his apartment. The routine became a spiral, a spiral far down. Before he knew it, he got stuck. He went to the bar, no one came up to him, he was just drinking, alone. The same happened for the next day, and the next, and the next. No one wanted him, and he didn’t deserve Seungjun anymore. No one needed him, was he finally spent? Was he so dirty that he has had anyone that would’ve been interested in him? Gross whispers had started to find him whenever he walked back into the bar. 

Enough.

He downed his last glass and headed home, determined. Finding a new patch of skin, a patch right above his hand. He set the same knife to it, the same knife that had been taken off of his skin so many times before, now slid across it. It became real, the panic set in, his mind was rushing and he wanted it to leave, wanted the sudden screaming in his mind to quiet down. He didn't know what to do. Would anyone help him? Someone? Him. While pressing on his wrist he dialed the only number he memorized and ran out of his apartment. The amount of blood lost made him sluggish going up the stairs of the small apartment complex. He had kept the wound closed on instinct, not knowing what to do with it. His vision was blurry as Seungjun opened the door and turned pale. He pulled him inside and wrapped his arm without asking.

“I don’t want to die.”

“You won’t.”

“I don’t want to live.”

A gentle hand was placed on Yuto’s cheek. After all this, after meeting with other men, after being unwanted for a week still he was treated well by this beautiful man. Again he tried to suppress the butterflies he felt, pulling the man on top of him, asking Seungjun to help him forget. Seungjun understood and did as he was told, yet it wasn’t enough, even in the rough moves Yuto felt a hint of care, a hint of love. Again. He pushed the other back inside, asking for another round, wanting to be numb. Seungjun had a pained expression but proceeded anyway until Yuto’s mind was hazy. He barely registered the other rebinding a new gauze and intertwining their fingers. 

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Those words hurt for some reason. Yuto closed his eyes.

“Don’t sleep, let me clean you at least.” Like by the ocean waves, he was lifted, floating in the arms of someone. Someone that handled him as if he was precious. Even in this daze, he waited for the other to fall asleep. He struggled to get out of the grip that kept them close, threw the keys in the mailbox and went home, passing out in his hallway.

Yuto feared the other had fallen in love with him, fallen in love with a petalless flower. He promised himself it was the last time he would meet with Seungjun, deleting his number from his phone. He refused to dirty the other any more, he had given into his urge enough. He went to a new bar, yet he was unable to find people. No one needed him anymore. He set his pen to paper, wanting to give it time to arrive. He went to redefine his life, got plucked by a stranger and taken apart by anyone he met. Seungjun had taken care of the broken flower, but it was enough. He thanked Seungjun for his care, for his kindness and for the connection. Putting it all in an envelope and sending it out. He emptied his mind with alcohol, unable to remember anything he had memorized. He came back to his kitchen, back to the same knife, back to the same point, with the same determination, and this time, no escape. 

Yuto felt like he shouldn’t have told anyone unasked, but Seungjun might’ve been the only one that would've listened.


End file.
